You want MORE sex. Your partner wants NONE
You want more sex, your partner wants none. You think, who doesn’t want sex? You must be having an affair!
We used to have sex to make babies, now we have sex to have fun. We value sex so much more than we ever have at any other point of time in human history. The advancement of technology has created a paradigm shift in our intimate relationships. With the introduction of contraception we have the luxury of sexual freedom and expression we've never had before, which has allowed sex to become imbedded as part of our relationship values and conditions. We must find the one who we can have passionate sex with and can fulfill all of our needs. But the reality is, two people rarely have the same physical needs.
The problem is negotiating the difference in desire. Desire is the wanting. And wanting is a relational state, its the attraction between.
Where it becomes a point of tension is when partners misconstrue desire as a trait, rather than a state. They attribute it to their partner becoming less desirable because they’ve gotten too comfortable or they haven’t taken care of themselves or they’ve become too familiar to be an object of your desire. But desire is a state, not a trait. It’s an ongoing, active process. Desire is not an attribute one possesses.
There are two types of desire, spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is desire that seemingly comes out of the blue. It’s what most people think of as “the spark” and is most alive during the early stages of a relationship. Its easy at the start, you don’t need to switch it on, it switches you on, later on, it’s not the same.
Most people will make a shift to responsive desire – which is desire in response to pleasure. It takes time to get there. Its like when youre invited to a party, then you start to think about all the reasons not to go, you feel like youre forcing yourself, but then you go anyway, and youre glad you did.
You act, not according to how you feel, but how you would like to feel. That is sex in a committed relationship. It becomes about willingness and making the conscious choice to be in a sexual relationship - like making the choice to include fruit and vegetables as part your diet. Pleasure first, then desire follows – note this is not about nonconsensual sex, or forcing someone into doing something they dont want to. That’s a separate problem.
Spontaneous desire comes from anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire comes in response to pleasure. The caveat is, if you show up to the party and its no fun, theres no amount of looking forward to that party thats going to make it worth going.
We will all experience both forms of desire at different points of our lives. We have seasons - sometimes it will be hot and sweaty, other times it might be cold, and then there are times where its just lukewarm. The point is, its not summer all year long. Its a misconception that sex has to be good all of the time.
Rekindling desire involves becoming aware of what your brakes are, and reverse engineering. What do you do that turns yourself off?
Sex limiting thoughts restrict desire. "I dont have time" becomes "how can i make time", "i must reach orgasm" becomes "how can i find pleasure in the moment".
Stress is a barrier to desire, stress and play dont mix. So figuring out how to reduce stress to make space for pleasure.
Familiarity is a challenge. Your partner can be many things, new is not one of them. Couples become family and fall into de sexualised roles - family is not sexy. Novelty is often introduced as a way to combat familiarity. Whilst it works for some, it leaves others chasing their tail - a continuous quest for novelty. But you can find novelty in nuance, which is a goal of tantric sex. When you become engrossed in a hobby or interest, its the finer nuance details that spark joy.
People get too caught up in quantity of sex, they forget about quality of sex. Instead of focusing on how you can get the most sex, focus on how you can get the best sex.
