Why is Never Fighting Actually a RED Flag

We all know a couple who says: “Oh, but we NEVER fight, not once”

Either they're exaggerating to protect their reputation, or they’re sweeping their arguments under the rug.

When couples constantly sweep their problems under the rug, what happens is that those problems become a rock in the shoe. Its out of sight, but it still there. And it pokes and prods you, inevitably manifesting itself in other areas of the relationship.

Relationship researcher John Gottman cited that happy healthy couples have a ratio of 5:1 - 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction, the closer the ratio was to 1:1 the more dissatisfied partners were in the relationship. But what he also found was that couples with an overly optimistic ratio of 13:1 did not have a good prognosis in their relationship either. This overly positive ratio often meant someone was appeasing the other, and this eventually lead to resentment and dissatisfaction in the long run.

Conflict in itself is not a problem, its the ongoing unresolved conflict that truly damages relationships. Signs of problems being swept under the rug is when you or your partner seem to trigger each other easily - you escalate from 0 to 100 in an instant. Another sign is kitchen sinking - which is when you bring all the dirty dishes, all the complaints and transgressions from the present AND the past onto the table during an argument. This not helpful. Arguing about things in the past is a sign that we haven't processed those arguments enough to move forward (in other words, they've become rocks in our shoe).

Without conflict there is no closeness. The best time to resolve arguments is now. Don't wait until later, that's already too late.