Your Partner is Jealous

No talk, no text, dont even think about look in that direction.

All emotions serve a function. They communicate to us a message about the world. Emotions are not inherently good nor bad, but the resulting outcome or behaviour can be. 

Whats the function of jealousy?

If jealousy didnt exist at all, what would relationships look like?

There would be no such thing as commitment, partners would stray, people would have relationships with whoever they wanted because theres nothing tying them to a partner. Jealousy facilitates attachment. Without it there wouldnt be closeness in relationships. Jealousy on its own is not bad. Its the resulting controlling behaviour that is oppressive, restrictive and suffocating.

In relationships we negotiate the balance of separateness and togetherness. Ideally there is space for both in relationship. Jealous controlling behaviour is about togetherness with the fear of separateness. Thats where the suffocating stems from, one partner is disallowed their individuality. 

It is true, total separateness is a threat, because that just means youre two individuals, there is no relationship. But jealous controlling takes this to an extreme.

Jealousy holds people back from understanding “The more free I am to leave you the more I stay, The less i am free to leave you the less ill stay”. Healthy relationships are high engagement, low attachment.

Jealousy is an anxious attachment - it lends itself to clingyness. Anxiety and play cannot exist in the same space. This is what leads partners to leave.

Its hard for those impacted by jealousy to trust and loosen their grip. Jealousy has us believe that trust is built by being and staying within a safe place, and never venturing outside. But trust is also built by being able to take risk, loosening ones grip, and realising you were able to overcome that risk and vulnerability, thus building a sense of safety and trust.

There is no relationship without risk. Partners need to decide on their risk tolerance for their relationship. What amount of risk can help the relationship to grow. 

Jealousy drives partners to believe that full transparency gives way to trust, but it also gives way to surveillence. Trust is about being able to sit with uncertainty.

Outlining your "yes"s - what you can allow for in the relationship, is an effective way to outline your "no". Its expansive rather than restrictive.

Eventually some partners can get to a point of compersion, which is being happy for their partner no matter what.