When you have opposite personalities
You are always on time, your partner is never (watches, different timezones)
You are clean and tidy, your partner is messy (clothes, cups)
You like being around people, your partner’s loner (toys vs snorlax “hi”)
You love new experiences and trying new things, partners needs routine
It can be so frustrating, infuriating even when you and your partner just aren’t on the same page. You try over and over again to change your partner, but they never seem to change, they don’t get it. Things feel impossible, you can’t even make the small daily things work and you want to give up because you’re just two different people, you have opposite personalities.
This is a common narrative I hear from struggling couples. When couples tell me “we just have opposite personalities” I hear “we have trouble getting along” and “we have challenges negotiating our differences”. Opposite personalities is not a problem, unless it’s made a problem.
Where couples get stuck is trying to get their partner to fit their desired personality mold. This can be like trying to fit a square shape into a round hole. It just won’t fit. Occasionally you may be able to reshape the edges to fit, but not every time. And this is where frustration sets in.
Frustrated because your partner just won't change once and for all? You’ve had multiple conversations, arguments even. They’ve changed, a little, but then go back to their old self.
Truth is, the only thing in life you have true control over is yourself. And when you turn up differently so will your partner. This the greatest way to create change in any relationship.
And if you think switching partners would solve the problem, think again. Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. The difference is the type of problems.
Couples struggling with opposing personalities get into a negative pattern – a combination of the fundamental attribution error and confirmation bias.
The fundamental attribution error is having the tendency to believe that what people do reflects who they are – in other words, to overattribute one’s behaviours (what they say or do) to their personality and under attribute situational or contextual details. For instance, you’re driving and someone cuts you off, you think “what an asshole”, meanwhile you don’t know the reason they were rushing was because the wife was in the back ready to give birth, you just don’t know, but you’re quick to judge.
Confirmation bias is the tendency to search only for evidence that supports and confirms one’s prior beliefs. This involves not taking into account and disregarding any opposing details.
(fundamental attribution error) So when your partner doesn’t show up on time, they are disrespectful. When they don’t clean up after themselves, they are lazy. When they’re out with others and not attending to your needs, they’re not caring, never sensitive to your needs. And then you start to look for all the other times to prove to yourself that you are right (confirmation bias).
This concoction of the fundamental attribution error and confirmation bias if left unattended combines to become poison to a relationship. There is an unhealthy focus on undesirable personality traits of ones partner that discounts situational, contextual, historical details that might tell a different story. Awareness of this negative pattern can provide a more wholistic picture of your partner.
And instead of getting frustrated with you’re partner’s personality, understand that different personalities means different strengths. Appreciate that your partners personality thrives in a different environment to yours. Stop trying to shape your partner to fit into a particular hole, instead find the holes they fit best in. Look to set them up for success, rather than failure.
There are plenty of couples with opposite personalities who are in healthy happy relationships, they just learnt to create an environment where they can co-exist utilising the different strengths of their personalities. Said simply, they learnt how to get along.
