Love at first sight, Soulmates and other relationship myths according to a Relationship therapist

Love at first sight 

The majority of relationships don’t start off with a blaze of fire. Most of the time it starts with just a spark, sometimes, not even. 

It’s a romanticised idea that love can happen in an instant, that passion will be ignited and you will live together happily ever after. 

A relationship truly starts, after the honeymoon phase. When euphoria and limerance dissolves, flaws and opposition surface. The honeymoon phase is evolutions tool for early relationship attachment. And as the name suggests, it’s a phase – it doesn’t last.  

Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm. It’s easy to fall in love, it takes work to stay there. 

If you’re looking for love at first sight, know that there are lots of people you can fall in love with, there are few you can make a life with.

Soulmates 

Love is made, not found. You grow in love, not fall in love.  

The idea that there is one, perfect match for each person in the entire world is a fantasy.  

Making relationships work and making love last means being the right person rather than finding the right person. Part of this is accepting that what makes your partner imperfect is what makes them great.  

The concept of a soulmate gives rise to the idea that love should be effortless. After all, you’ve found the perfect match, there should be no problems. This is only invites complacency.  

If you’re hoping to find your soulmate, you’re searching in the wrong place. You don’t find your soulmate, you become soulmates. 

You complete me 

You complete me. You’re my one and only. It’s the idea that your partner will meet all your needs for companionship. That 1 + 1 = 1, and that you should spend every waking moment with each other. 

Marriage used to function as a means of basic economic survival, nowadays its about personal fulfillment. The idea that we marry for love is a contemporary concept. We used to live in small communities, and the idea that a singular person could meet all our needs - physical, emotional, social, was unheard of. Nowadays, it’s the standard. And it’s a tall order for any one person. 

To complete another is suggestive that a person isn’t whole, that they are somehow missing something. A healthy relationship isnt about two incomplete people forming a whole, but two wholes forming a larger union. 

Love and commitment come from finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone you expect to give you a happy life. 

I hate to burst bubbles, but this doesn’t mean love and relationships arent magical. We’re just making a shift from idealistic to realistic, which manages expectations that in turn allow us to live more fulfilling, authentic relationships