You’re afraid of talking to your partner about the problems in the relationship because it goes from 0 to 100. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells and you have to tip-toe, and nothing ever gets resolved. The void between you is growing and walls are up.

When couples have unresolved problems, it becomes a rock in their shoe. Its out of sight, but its still there. Poking and proding. And it inevitably manifests itself somewhere in the relationship.

Conflict in itself is not a problem. When managed properly, conflict can mean closeness. But it becomes a problem when it remains unresolved. Couples sweep their problems under the rug rather than deal with it, in the hopes that it will go away, it saves them from having to face the pain. But with time they find themselves getting triggered by certain topics. Arguments without warning escalate out of control and nothing gets resolved.

Heres how it unfolds:

Partners engage in non-productive conflict, this conflict escalates, then over time, one or both partners begin to develop a "no go zone" boundaried by protective walls. The protective walls keep the other partner from entering, if or when they happen to make their way into the "no go zone" - this triggers an escalated response and the protective walls are reinforced. This ensures the unresolved arguments stay unresolved.

Its not just about protecting ones self though, there is a good reason, its about protecting the relationship - to stop things from escalating to a point where its damaging the relationship. But its a short term solution with long term consequence. 

An indicator of unresolved conflicts is kitchen sinking. That is, piling on all the dirty dishes – bringing all the complaints and transgressions of the past and present to the table all at once. Its not just about the thing in the moment, but everything else all at the same time. Kitchen sinking is the accumulation of rocks in ones shoe.

The solution to breaking down the “no go zone” lies in how it was built in the first place. Its not about what you argue about, its about how you argue.

Its the escalation of conflict that is the real problem - the reason why the “no go zone” came to existence. And when you turn up differently, so will your partner. We need to learn how not to escalate.

Partners need to re-establish a sense of safety in the relationship, so there's no longer that fear when entering the "no go zone". Another part of safety is not feeling like you will be hit with a pile of dirty dishes - that's too overwhelming and you dont know where to start. We need to clean one dish at a time.

When a "no go zone" is established, if you touch the trigger you set off the explosion. To truly resolve issues we have to get to the core of the problem. Its not about sex, money, inlaws, the kids or division of labour or whatever topic you think youre arguing about. At the core, couples argue about three major themes: care and closeness, power and control, respect and recognition. When you acknowledge the core issue you, go a long way to resolving the real problem.

And the best time to resolve a problem… is now.