Why telling your partner to calm down has the reverse effect (but why you're intuitively correct)

The argument gets heated, emotions run high and you say the one thing you can think of “Can you just calm down?” But it just gets worse.  

Telling someone to calm down is an attempt at controlling a situation that is getting out of control, unfortunately, people don’t respond well to feeling controlled. Accompanying control is a sense of oppression, a feeling of disempowerment and it creates a power imbalance, and escalation (getting angrier) is an attempt to recalibrate that imbalance – to reclaim power/control. 

It’s also invalidating and minimising, it gives off the message “what you to say is not important enough to be heard” - further emphasising a power imbalance. 

Intuitively we’ve known that staying calm would help remedy a heated argument, it’s only been with the development of neuroscience we’ve now been able to explain why. 

Using my hand to model the brain, thumb in centre, wrap fingers on top 

Wrist represents lower part of brain – responsible for automatic functions – heartbeat, breathing, body temperature, hunger, sleep  

Fingers represents the upper part of the brain – responsible for more complex functions – abstract thinking, decision making, empathy  

Thumb represents the amygdala – the part of the brain responsible for responding to threats, activating our alarm response - the fight, flight, freeze response, this is our survival mechanism that keeps us safe from danger 

As we go from bottom to top, functions become more complex. Lower part of brain is apparent in many animals. Upper part of the brain is what makes us human, what differentiates us from typical animals. 

Stimulus from the world is processed through signals in the brain from bottom up. Goes from the bottom, up the brain and parts may or may not activate based on whether the stimulus is relevant to that particular part of the brain. 

When that stimulus is a threat (for example an angry partner), the brain signal travels from the bottom upward and activates at the center part of the brain – the amygdala – responsible for threat response - fight, flight or freeze. Meanwhile the rest of the brain is not being activated. And in particular, upper part of the brain is not active – that part of the brain responsible for empathy and decision making, it’s offline. 

When we’re in a heated argument with another person, that is an argument between two amygdala's. And amygdala's are interested in one thing – protecting themselves. They essentially give you tunnel vision – where the 3 options to resolve the situation are: fight, flight or freeze. It doesn’t do empathy, compromise or rational thinking – that the responsibility of the upper part of the brain. 

This is why things can be said or you may do things in the heat of an argument that you usually wouldn’t normally say or do. When there is that explosive argument and you wake up the next day telling yourself “I regret what I said, I don’t know what I was thinking” that’s because you weren’t. At least not with the upper part of the brain. But you realise this later on, once you’ve calmed down, once you’ve reconnected with the empathetic part of your brain. Maintaining a calm state of mind enables you to engage with the upper part of our brain – so you’re able to access your empathy, rational thinking and decision making – the tools for effective conflict management. 

Staying calm is key to constructive conversations. We’ve intuitively known this but have been going about it the wrong way.  

Now that we’re armed with this knowledge backed by neuroscience, we can talk strategy: 

Rather than telling your partner to calm down, 

Take a time out – agree with your partner to take a time out when an argument begins to escalate, and preferably make this agreement before you get in an argument so you don’t get into a struggle over power and control, agree to at least 20 minutes where you’re not engaging in the argument and when you can resume calm discussion. Not being engaged in the argument also includes not ruminating about it – this includes replaying the argument over in your head or constructing a plan of attack for when the time out ends – because this only keeps you in an elevated state and keeps the amygdala active. Engage in an activity that is unrelated to the argument. 

Regulate - When our heart rate reaches over 100 beats per minute is where we start to secrete cortisol and adrenaline – stress hormones, and this is where our amygdala begins to take over. If you notice your heart beginning to race, then that would be a signal to take a time out. You may try engaging in regulating exercises to slow your heart rate, deep breathing is especially helpful – the outward breath in particular slows down our heart rate. 

Next time you’re thinking of telling your partner “to calm down”, you’re intuition is probably right.