Tiktok Relationship Theories according to a Relationship Expert
Invisible string theory
https://www.tiktok.com/@nathanmayberry/video/7312280327324454186?_r=1&_t=8iCV3wg67pu
Essentially suggesting the idea of a soulmate that you’re destined to be with. My problem with this theory is: love is made, not found. And the idea that you’re destined to be with someone is passive. You grow in love, not fall in love. Making relationships work and love last means being the right person rather than finding the right person. The idea of a soulmate gives the impression that love should be effortless, because after all, you’ve found “the one”, the person you’re supposed to be with, your perfect match, there should be no problems and you don’t need to make an effort. But this only invites complacency.
February theory
Love comes when you least expect it, not really a new concept. I think it’s just a product of human relationships. Relationships aren’t exactly quantifiable, although we like to think they are. We match people based on similar personality or interests and we equate that with compatibility. And then there are couples that somehow make their differences work, and it's unexpected. Being able to navigate and integrate your differences is part of successful relationships. It’s learning to be complimentary. Relationships work best when partners learn to be complimentary, and it can feel unexpected because it’s not based on what most people understand as “compatibility”.
Bird test
https://www.tiktok.com/@willyumgregory/video/7296571803328122155?_r=1&_t=8iCVLopDpKp
I feel like someone has gone to couples therapy and taken it literally, because this is the exact example I give couples.
Relationship researcher John Gottman talks about turning towards as opposed to turning away - where turning towards is to acknowledge your partners bid for connection, turning away is to ignore or dismiss your partners bid. And a bid for connection is a way for partners to connect with you, it can be verbal, non-verbal, serious, joking, sexual, or in this case, pointing to a bird.
In his research Gottman cites a golden ratio of 5:1 that happy couples achieve that correlates to satisfaction in a relationship, that’s 5 positive interactions for 1 negative interaction. Achieving this ratio gives couples either a more positive or negative perspective on their partner, the closer to 5:1 the more positive, closer to 1:1 the more negative and more likely the couple is dissatisfied and therefore more likely to separate.
Acknowledging the bird in this instance is an example of a positive interaction, where ignoring or dismissing is an example of a negative interaction. Other examples of positive interactions are: knowing your partner's world, sharing appreciation and affection or having rituals of connection.
It’s really about being responsive to your partner. By being responsive we’re showing our partner that they matter. But I would think twice basing your entire relationship on one of these “tests”. We should really be evaluating responsiveness over time and in different contexts - not just one context that happens to involve a bird.
Orange peel theory
Fundamentally in relationships, we want partners who are accessible, responsive and engaged. The underlying question in relationships is: “are you there for me?” The orange peel theory is an example of this. To be engaged, not only in the moment like in the bird theory, but to have your partner in mind, going that extra mile to let them know that they’re on your mind.
The metaphor I like to use is the metaphor of a bank loan. When you get a loan from the bank, you’re responsible to pay back the principal (which is the exact amount loaned to you) plus interest (which is extra on top of the principal that is paid to the bank as compensation for giving you the loan in the first place). Being engaged to a point where you peel your partners orange because you know they don’t like to, is a demonstration that you’re keeping your partner in mind, and is next level engagement in a relationship - this the equivalent of “interest” repayment, it’s above and beyond what you “owe”. It communicates to your partner that you’re there for them, keeping them in mind, and that helps partners to feel like they are loved.
The boyfriend effect
https://www.tiktok.com/@hayleybuix/video/7283245891174075680
This is the idea that after you start dating someone it changes everything from your appearance to your personality, to your hobbies to your own individual identity, often for the worse.
A healthy relationship is a balance of togetherness and separateness. Togetherness is where we join in relationship, separateness is where we individuate as two separate entities.
Naturally when you commit to a partner, you become more joint together and some separateness is lost. This is where we see couples become more similar, for instance in their appearance, mannerisms or interests. Accepting your partners influence is healthy.
Where it becomes an issue is if you become enmeshed - where there is complete togetherness and no sense of separateness (where 1+1=1). Partners begin to feel like they're losing their identity and resentment builds in response to a lost sense of self.
