Mind reading in relationships
You haven’t resolved the argument, you’re still pissed, and your partner is not coming to comfort you? You begin to think “do you not care? Do you not love me anymore?”
How can your partner not know what’s going on when it’s so blatantly obvious?
Lets play a game. Guess the number I’m thinking of. Did you get it?
Wait so, you can’t read my mind?
As humans, we have a transparency bias – the tendency to overestimate the degree to which your personal mental state is known to others. In long-term relationships, we expect our significant other to know exactly what we’re thinking and feeling. The longer you’ve known each other the more perceptively accurate you should be, right? Wrong.
Studies have shown, when comparing newly married couples with couples who have been married for many more years, the perception of newly married couples is more accurate. Why? Because early in a relationship we don’t assume, we ask.
You might be thinking “But if I have to ask it’s not meaningful, my partner should know my needs by now”. You are “should”ing all over your relationship.
Holding onto this belief only sets you up for disappointment and keeps you from being able to honour your self and your partner. It stops you from getting what you want.
During an argument when you think to yourself “how could YOU not know I’M still angry, why won’t YOU come comfort ME”. When we get into conflict we go into selfish thinking – we stop thinking “we” and think more about “me”. It’s part of our neurobiology. Thinking selfishly this way is how we’ve evolved in order to preserve energy used to protect ourselves from a perceived threat. So, when your partner doesn’t automatically come over to comfort you, it’s not that your partner no longer loves or cares for you. After all, your initial thoughts “why won’t you comfort ME” is already part of selfish thinking.
Many people decide to live in disappointment, rather than risk feeling disappointed. Not knowing that in relationship, disappointment is an opportunity for meaningful connection.
If you’re looking to get the love you want out of your relationship, ask for it. There is no such thing as mind reading – even when you’ve known someone for a lifetime. There should be more communication the longer you’ve been together, not less.
