Lonely in a committed relationship - How is it possible?
In a committed relationship, but still feeling lonely. You thought surely I can’t be feeling lonely, I’m no longer single.
Being alone is different to feeling lonely. Being alone is not having others within your physical proximity. Feeling lonely is a psychological state of not feeling understood. Feeling understood fulfills our existential need to belong - to be heard, to be seen, to be connected
So you could be in a crowd of people, and feel still lonely.
You could be lying in bed with your partner, and still feel lonely.
The loneliest one will ever feel, is feeling lonely in relationship. Loneliness doesn’t come from being single, but it does lead to becoming single.
Loneliness in relationship comes when we consistently miss our partner, either in conflict or in connection.
In conflict – it happens when we are repeatedly not listened to and therefore not understood – too busy with our own agenda. A majority of the time you don’t need to fix the problem, you just need to be there, because what is most damaging in relationship is being alone with the problem. Loneliness amplifies the pain of the problem.
In your next conflict:
Pause your agenda
Mirror your partner, reflect what they said (so you’re saying...)
Validate their experience (from what you’ve said, it makes sense that...)
Empathise (I can imagine you feel...)
And unpack (is there more? Have I missed anything? Do you feel understood?)
In connection – when you start to feel more like roommates than partners or you feel like you’re lying in bed with a stranger. Couples often make the mistake of overemphasizing the milestones in a relationship – the first time they become “official”, their wedding, having their first child. Milestone are important, but loneliness creeps into a relationship when milestone become the sole emphasis – it’s almost like having a check list of what should happen in a relationship and ticking these items off means our relationship is on track. What these couples fail to realise is, it’s the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments in our relationships that actually make up for the majority of a relationship – it's the day to day living that is becomes neglected. And when we fail to connect on a day to day basis and we fail to recognise the need to nurture the relationship, we begin to live diverging lives.
Be Curious
Curiosity fuels the start of relationships, however it gradually dwindles with time as we get to know each other – after some time couples are no longer curious about each other, no longer trying to get to know each other. They can get complacent where, they bring the best part of themselves to work or to friends, and bring the left overs home.
As a natural part of life, we grow and develop as individuals throughout time, our interests and preferences change, but also our internal world changes – values and beliefs. If we don’t continually get to know this other person in the relationship, you could end up being with a different person and not know it.
Be curious, continue to get to know your partner by asking open questions.
You might be thinking you know your partner inside out. Ask more questions, keep digging until you find something new, and rediscover curiosity in the relationship – find novelty in nuance.
Connect on a daily basis.
We will always be making bids for connection with our partners – bids are attempts at connection for attention, affection or affirmation they can be big or small, verbal or non-verbal, humorous, serious or sexual in nature. The culmination of responses to bids for connection determines a couples connectedness. The more you acknowledge your partners bids for connection, the more they feel seen. The more you ignore or dismiss those bids, the more lonely one will feel.
