Healing from a breakup (and why people get back with their ex)

There’s a condition known as broken heart syndrome – which is heart failure due to emotional stress. Breakups hurt. 

With change comes loss, and with loss comes grief. Breakup not only represents the loss of a relationship, but also a loss sense of self – there is loss of a life to be had and a loss of ones identity – because we experience ourself most in the presence of others, and especially our intimate other.  

When a breakup occurs we go through grief, you don’t have to have someone die in order to grieve. The grief process involves acceptance, expression of grief, adjusting to the changes and making meaning of the relationship. It’s a dance between loss and restoration. The inability to acknowledge the grief process will lead to stuckness and can lead that person back to their ex. 

People expect grief to get smaller with time. But actually your life grows around it. You don’t just “get over it”, it changes form. Time on its own is not a healing agent, we need to give it shape and meaning. 

Adjusting to life without another after a breakup represents a challenge, it’s a type of ambiguous loss – your ex is still around, they are still physically available it’s not like they’ve passed away, but they are no longer available emotionally and relationally. And it’s hard for people to grapple with this idea, which keeps them compelled to reach out to their ex. And it’s been made significantly harder with the advancement of technology. Like a thread that continues to join two people. 

Breakups are supposed to hurt – it's the breaking of an attachment. Evolutionarily, it is a threat to our survival, and the pain of a breakup is meant to drive us to regain attachment elsewhere, but people misunderstand this and turn back to their ex in the hopes to alleviate the pain. 

Neuroscience has unveiled that the areas of the brain that are activated during breakup is the areas responsible for physical pain as well as for craving or addiction – the feeling of wanting. So, it’s no wonder why people feel compelled to get back with their ex. Their body and quite literally their brain is telling them to.