Are your arguments going in circles, in a never ending game of tit for tat? Feeling  like you just cant seem to get through to your partner? 

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself in the midst of conflict to ward off a perceived attack. It comes in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood, triggered by criticism, the underlying sense is “blame” - “I’m not the problem, you are” and it keeps couples circulating in conflict – and unfortunately there’s no end to a circle. 

Diffuse defensiveness by taking responsibility, even if it’s for a small part of the problem. Characteristic of Defensiveness is counter attacking – which is the complete opposite of taking responsibility – its in fact, trying to lay the responsibility the other person.  By taking responsibility you are saying, “we are working through this problem together”. Healthy relationships don’t have winners or losers. 

Avoid the word “but”. “But” erases all that comes before it. Including “but” is an attempt to acknowledge while simultaneously ensuring your own agenda is not forgotten, and it doesn't work - “but” only invites rebuttal. 

Avoid the words “always” and “never”. When we make statements to get our point across and we utilise these absolutes, it invites the other person to think of that one time, and this keeps the argument going. 

Defensiveness also comes about as couples try to convince their partner of their version of events often presented as “the facts” or “the truth”. This can feel like an attack on the other persons reality, which essentially is attack on their existence – not physical existence, but emotional and psychological, and you need to defend yourself when threatened. So Couples get stuck arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong,  

Feeling stuck because your stories don’t align? Can’t seem to be able to convince your partner of the “truth” of what happened 

Let’s do an exercise, name what you see in this picture:

Did you see a rabbit, or did you see a duck? OR did you see something different? Who’s right and who is wrong? 

The answer. It depends on your perspective. 

We live in subjective realities, what you see is different to what I see which is different to what the next person sees. Whats right and wrong, simply depends on ones vantage point. And so called “truth” depends on one’s vantage point. Everyone is living their own “truth”, nobody is necessarily right or wrong. So it is possible that your version of events is very different to your partners version of events. So it is possible that your truth may be very different to your partners. Being in relationship means navigating between subjective realities that can often be at polar opposite ends. If you’re looking to be “right” and hold onto your truth, you might find it challenging to be in relationship with another. 

To those stuck in this defensive pattern: Do you want to be right? Or do you want to get “this” right 

Understanding that we live in subjective realities can help with validation – key to breaking a pattern of defensiveness. Validation doesn’t mean to accepting what happened as truth, it means to acknowledge it is within the realm of possibility, perhaps from an alternate perspective. Validation diffuses defensiveness as there is no longer the need to hold on to ones truth once it’s been properly acknowledged, it opens dialogue and understanding, as opposed to keeping it closed with defensiveness. 

So, what did you see?